Blue Butter

OK - I can’t stand it for another second!  We all love the holidays, yes?  And we know it’s time to start gearing up when those cheesy and teeth grinding commercials start hitting the airwaves.  And no matter how hard I try, there are times I can’t reach the remote fast enough to mute the commercials.  I know, I know - I need a life.  Get in line - my mom has dibs on reminding me of that fact.  But back to the subject.

Every year, the jewelry stores start with their exclamations of how some lucky gal is fortunate in that her special someone went to this jewelry store, proposed in front of 43 family members with the goal of selling a “happily ever after”, and finally, it begins to fade out with grandma’s smile,  just as the news of where the guy went makes its rounds at the restaurant.  Ugh! It drives me crazy.  And let’s not forget what every kiss begins with: apparently, it’s a jewelry store.  And aren’t those sugary women’s voices in the voice-overs nauseating?  A particular toy manufacturer comes to mind where the kids are happily sharing the “toy of the moment”.  I’ve never known two kids with only one toy between them not go to war.

The truth is though; it’s not just during the holidays the mute button gets a workout.  Think of the one that includes a small family taking bets on how many “sheeters” any spill is going to take to clean up. That one has me convinced I had a mean mommy.  I can’t ever remember Mom peeking over the counter and declaring with a smile, “Nope.  That’s a one sheeter.”  In our house, it was “Donna Janell - get that spill cleaned up and you better make sure it’s done right!  I don’t want feet sticking to the floor!  And don’t blame your sister…I saw you knock that glass over!”

Oh, and remember the cellular phone commercial a couple years ago, where the two sisters were battling one another over the cell?  They were scrapping it out in the middle of the living room while the dad was trying to watch TV over them.  Now that’s a realistic commercial!  There was a particularly memorable fight between my sister and me when were teenagers over the telephone (way before cells invaded our lives).  I’ll never forget it - Mom was out, probably grocery shopping or something, and Daddy’s trying to watch a boxing match (how ironic!) on TV.   We were in the middle of the floor while Daddy was trying to see the professional fight over the fight going on in the living room.  He didn’t say a word until one of us managed to hit the recliner.  We knew we were close to getting him riled up (and trust me, it takes a lot to get Daddy riled up), but when we nearly knocked him out of the chair (I think I had my sister by the hair and was dragging her around), we knew it was on then.  In one fell swoop, he reaches down, grabs the phone we’re fighting over and declares, “Both of you - go to your rooms NOW!”  And that was it.  Party over.  But we knew if Mom came in before Daddy had cooled off, we’d not be a part of a phone call for no telling how long.  She’d have restricted us in about two seconds flat.  Luckily for our social lives, Mom never found out (well, until now). 

Now, not all commercials drive me crazy with their unrealistic images.  There are a couple that break my heart.  Two that come to mind have celebrities speaking.  Both tell of some of the horrors animals endure.  One is regarding dogs and cats in animal shelters while the other tells of how global warming is making it difficult for bears to survive due to melting ice. 

And finally, just when we get used to “Smilin’ Bob” and have learned to tolerate his face across our televisions seventy two times a day, they retire him and come out with different uhm….enhancement products.  There is nothing ickier than a bunch of grown men sitting around and singing an old Elvis Presley song while giving each other these “cat that ate the canary” looks.  Kind of a visual high five. 

And now, I’ll wrap this up with a couple of honorable mentions:

The internet dating sites where we’re lucky enough to overhear a conversation between two people who met on the site promising to never do this or never do that.  The actors in both commercials look more like siblings.

The commercial where you’re invited to order an egg shaped foot filer that catches the “dust”.  Why is it these commercials never allow the women to paint their toes!?  It’s icky enough, a little color can’t hurt.

The croissant commercial where two people at the table are debating over who gets the last one.  Any woman who spends all day cooking a holiday feast and can still smile while telling her guests to not worry, there’s more cannot possibly be human.