Blue Butter

How do we define “family”?  For me, it’s an easy and immediate definition.  My family is defined as my amazing and beautiful son, my parents, who are preparing to celebrate their 39^th wedding anniversary and my sister, her husband, my niece and nephew.  Of course, I have my aunts and uncles and cousins who I love as well.  And although we’re not related by blood, I have a handful of friends who I consider as much a part of my family as I do those I share DNA with. 

One of these dear friends is struggling with her own family and for the life of me, I can’t understand it.  Her parents are deceased and aside from her husband and only child, she has four brothers who she is at war with.  It’s heartbreaking to stand by and see her grieve - and that’s truly what this is.  She has four people on this planet whom she grew up with and was raised in the same household, with the same parents and same values being instilled in each sibling, and yet, they feel as though they’re strangers to her.  What’s worse, ask each of them the worst part of this feud and you will receive two answers: hers would be that the absolute worse aspect is the loss of the relationship she has with these four men and their families; however, if you were to ask the other side, your reply would be their belief of having been cheated of material things.  On the surface, one might thing, “Ah…four against one?  It’s easy to see who’s in the wrong.”  But that’s not true at all.  The fact is, she has made it clear - both in and out of court- the material things mean nothing and has even tried to walk away from everything in her attempts to reconcile with her brothers. 

This is one of the most caring and giving women I’ve known.  It’s a shame that pride has kept her siblings from her life.  It’s my guess that with things as bad as they are and with all of the things that were said the past couple of years, they are embarrassed and this embarrassment keeps them from her.  This is further cemented in the fact that during a recent health scare with one of her brothers, he promised her things would be different and that it was unfortunate it took something like this for them to pause long enough to rethink what’s truly important.  Sadly, once the health scare was a vague piece of the past, so was the declaration of mending this family. 

It’s easy enough to say that I would never allow anything to come between my sister and me, and that’s true.  However, that suggests that my friend did allow something to come between her and her brothers, which is not true.  I have seen her devastated and at times, have almost heard her heart break.  The only logic I can pull in my efforts to understand their collective resistance is pride.  I have never known people who were willing to sacrifice what another human can bring to one’s life - especially a life that is so upbeat and caring and so eager to contribute to another’s life.

 She’s been on my mind the past few days even more than usual.  I know that she’s anticipating and quite nervous because yet another court date looms and understandably, she is hesitant and nervous.  Frankly, at this point, there’s really nothing else for the courts to decide.  This is part of her wariness.  She knows that after all these years, there’s just nothing left.  What these brothers may not know, however, is the breaking point she’s nearing.  After so many attempts at reconciliation and so many opportunities to heal these wounds she’s proffered, there’s just not much left in her that justifies a continued effort.  Knowing her the way I do, she’ll never give up that hope, and as much as she wishes to be a sister and a part of their families, she’s also human.  And, too, I know that no matter how many times her friends remind her that each of us is always there for her, nothing can ever take the place of those lives who share the memories of parents and childhoods the way siblings do.  And maybe that’s the saddest part - the reminiscing and laughing.  The memories of childhood pets and those family stories that are universal and make us laugh now, even though they weren’t so funny when they happened. 

The four men in this story are the only losers - losers in the sense that their lives aren’t enriched by this woman’s contributions - as a wife, mother, sister and friend.

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