Blue Butter

 Where Some Are Happy

I got a phone call earlier today.  It was a call I knew would eventually be made.   Turns out someone I was crazy about in the recent past is getting married.  His mother called to tell me.  I’ve spent the better part of the afternoon trying to figure out why it bothers me. 

We were about as incompatible as two people can be.  We were raised very differently and while his life has been one major mistake after another, but with never any lessons learned and a sum total equaling his living at home with his parents at the age of 40, addictions that I know of and no telling how many I’m not aware of and an attitude that justifies his victim mentality.  He’s never been able to differentiate between “blame” and “responsibility” and spends too much energy looking for shortcuts to get what he wants.  I know this sounds harsh, but believe me, it was a long time before I was able to find perspective and see things as they really are.  I spent too much of my own energy and blind faith believing that if he could only see things as they should be, he’d be able to redefine what’s acceptable and that a fulfilled life didn’t have to include reckless and self destructive behaviors.  All I managed to do was blur the lines of what was acceptable for me.  I realized I’d made way too many concessions.  Partying every night, drinking every day, taking pills to get up and back down, living in filth and working only about half the time is something I can’t imagine and refused to allow.  It was tiresome when he was around.  I stayed nervous with him because I never knew what was coming.  He was so unpredictable and stood me up more times than not. He’d disappear for days at a time with no one knowing where he was - now, I realize it was because I didn’t bite my tongue and refused to go out with him or listen to his excuses.  He was so moody and even though I was never afraid of him, I stayed afraid for him. Still, I couldn’t figure out why he would continue to choose the wrong things.  Why he was drawn to the wrong people and wrong choices while kicking aside the possibilities that could lead to a happier life.  The better I tried to be to him, the more he pushed me away. 

Finally, after two years of one step forward and two steps back, it occurred to me that we (meaning people in general) are drawn to the familiar evils.  What we know is far more comfortable and safe.  He just knew better than I did.  He knew it’d never work because of our differences, even as I struggled to understand why. Fear keeps us from so much in this life. 

When he started seeing the woman who he’ll be marrying in less than a week, I was devastated.  By that time, I’d already realized how miserable I would’ve been with him.  So even though I knew I didn’t want him, it still took awhile to figure out why it bothered me.   And then it hit me: with her, he’s not expected to do better.  They both share alcoholism and pills with no desire to achieve anything more than what they are.  She doesn’t expect him to be responsible, go to work each day, make today better than yesterday and tomorrow better than today.  He’s happy at rock bottom and he has someone who doesn’t want him to be anything more, because that would mean one of two things - she’d have to exert the energy to pull herself up or if she didn’t, she would run the risk of losing him. 

I’m not saying I’m this driven and overly ambitious person.  I’m not.  But neither would I ever settle for growing roots at the bottom.  There’s so much I want from this life.   And it has nothing to do with money.  Hell, I stay broke as the Ten Commandments and with this new path my life has taken, I expect to continue making a few sacrifices until I’ve created my own niche in my career choice. 

When I finally got off my high horse and stopped wondering what was wrong with me and why he would choose her, and instead, just chalked it up to two different ideas of what each of us wanted and that they were poles apart, I finally got it.  So after the phone call today and declining the invitation to participate in the bets of how long this marriage will last, I finally and permanently closed that chapter of my life.

 At the risk of upsetting my mom, I’m going to say it because it needs to be said: Nancy Grace is trying my patience.  Before I go into the reasons why, if there’s anyone who can provide a safe haven for me to relocate to, please email me. My mom’s going to run me out of town for sure and I foresee something along the lines of the witness protection program. In Mom’s eyes, the sun rises and sets on Nancy Grace - she has a dog named what else but “Nancy Grace”. Now, as a rule, I totally dig her feisty attitude, but she is becoming quite aggressive with the guests on her show.  My frustration is from her refusal to allow guests to make comments or answer questions that aren’t interrupted by her demands.  Usually, it’s one of the guest attorneys she’s “unleashed”, and they can’t seem to get a word in.  But when she wouldn’t bite her tongue long enough for Tim Miller, the director and founder of Texas EquuSearch to provide answers to her questions, I knew it was time to flip the channel to the closest Law & Order rerun.  She’s already a fireball, but this new aggressive and rude side is one I hope she reins in and quick. 

I don’t think it’s occurred to her that the folks she’s attacking are on her side and usually in agreement with her.  There has to come a point in time that some of these recurring guests decide they’ve had enough of her belittling ways.  It’s all I can do to bite my tongue on a daily basis, so I know it’d take about two seconds for me to snap the microphone off of me and stand up and walk off - with very little care of it being a live show.  What’s even funnier to me is that most of them just grin and take it.  What are they thinking?!  Are they such narcissists that they’re willing to take it if it means a few minutes on TVs across the country?

And how glad are we to not have the first statement out of caller’s mouths, “Hi Nancy…your babies are beautiful.”?  Yeah, yeah…babies are beautiful.  These “babies” have to be nearing college by now.  No, I’m not serious, but they are approaching their first birthdays. 

Here’s the kicker - I’m just as drawn to the Casey Anthony brouhaha as my Mom is.  Nancy Grace is the only one who is still dedicating the lion’s share of her show to this case.  And seriously, I love that show - it’s just that I’m not very keen with this new and improved version of Nancy.  And if I miss it at seven o’clock, there’s always the 9 p.m., midnight and 2 a.m. replays.   I’m just hoping for that kinder and less rude side of her to reappear.  In the meantime, I’ll be cringing each time she annihilates one of her guests.

We’ve heard time and again of how women influence elections.  Maybe so, but I’m going to throw something out there that may or may not be a thought to any other woman in the country.  Actually, I’m going to throw more than just one “something”. 

I watched the debate tonight that was held in Memphis between the two presidential candidates.  As usual, I found myself saying out loud, “What?! You big jackass - you don’t have me fooled” or “Give me a break - do you have to be so condescending?!”  Yeah, I know….the dogs were my only audience, but I still voiced it.  I’m going to make a broad statement and hopefully, I’m more right than wrong: I think as women, we want to know when these candidates walk out and shake hands, that’s it’s a sincere gesture.  Honestly, it makes me uncomfortable for them to verbally assault one another.  I know it’s politics and it’s part of the game and they signed on for it, but it bothers me that they can exchange poorly-hidden jibes back and forth and in the next breath, turn to the audience with a “Oh, I’m so glad you asked that, Matilda.”   They take every opportunity to martyr themselves, especially when schmoozing the moderator, in this case, Tom Brokaw.  Tom Brokaw reminds one of them of the two minute time limit, and lo and behold, the one who wasn’t chided jumps in and says, “You won’t have to remind me of the time limit” Sheesh!  It takes me back to the days of my sister and I kissing up to Mom and taking advantage of the fact one of us was in trouble by telling Mom, “That’s OK, Mom.  I wouldn’t forget to take the skillet off the stove and almost burn the house down.”  (By the way, that would’ve been me who nearly burned the house down, thank you very much and yes, baby sis played it to the hilt)

Why can’t we hear a sincere, “You know what?  My opponent is absolutely right.  I agree completely and to be honest, my response matches his verbatim.”  There’s nothing wrong with agreeing with a statement even if the democrat candidate said it or the republican candidate opened the door for further discussion.  I can’t imagine points dropping in any race because of a gracious statement along those lines.  Our faith is shot to hell anyway - let’s be honest.  They both are harping on what should be done and what they’re going to do.  I realize they are on very tight time constraints in the debate arena.  Why can’t we hear a “That’s a great question and I can tell you it can be done, but it’s going to be tough and we’re going to have to weather this for awhile.  And no one has the cure-all, but I can promise you we’ll find it.”  Guess what?  We’re not fooled.  We know there’s no easy answer and honestly, we even know that there simply may not be a solid “one size fits all” solution to the problems this country faces.  I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty that if my boss approached me with a huge quagmire that had no clear solution and told me to “find one anyway” and then come back to me the next day wanting to know if I’d found the answer, I would surely say, “Not yet.  I have some ideas that I’m working on, but it hasn’t come full circle yet.”  He’s either going to put me in the company dog house or he’s going to respect the fact that I owned up to it and didn’t sugarcoat it.  The last thing I’m going to do is eagerly agree and insist it was a piece of cake.  With my luck, that’s going to be followed up with, “Well let’s take a look.”  Yeah, that’s one bell you just can’t unring. 

And by the way, why are major corporations having to borrow money to make payroll?  I didn’t realize this was a common practice.  A comment was made that part of the solution was for feds to free up money to corporations so that loans could be made to make their payrolls.  Business 101 teaches us that’s a clear indication of an unsuccessful company.  And another thing - I learned tonight that AIG, after having been bailed out to some degree, went on a “junket spending spree” this week.  One candidate suggested an immediate full repayment to the treasury and the discharge of the head honchos.  I couldn’t agree more.  In fact, this post from several days ago was at the height of the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac admissions during AIG’s initial panic.

I can’t believe I’m even thinking this - but the only good thing I can pull from this election is the fact that we have less than a month to go. 

How do we define “family”?  For me, it’s an easy and immediate definition.  My family is defined as my amazing and beautiful son, my parents, who are preparing to celebrate their 39^th wedding anniversary and my sister, her husband, my niece and nephew.  Of course, I have my aunts and uncles and cousins who I love as well.  And although we’re not related by blood, I have a handful of friends who I consider as much a part of my family as I do those I share DNA with. 

One of these dear friends is struggling with her own family and for the life of me, I can’t understand it.  Her parents are deceased and aside from her husband and only child, she has four brothers who she is at war with.  It’s heartbreaking to stand by and see her grieve - and that’s truly what this is.  She has four people on this planet whom she grew up with and was raised in the same household, with the same parents and same values being instilled in each sibling, and yet, they feel as though they’re strangers to her.  What’s worse, ask each of them the worst part of this feud and you will receive two answers: hers would be that the absolute worse aspect is the loss of the relationship she has with these four men and their families; however, if you were to ask the other side, your reply would be their belief of having been cheated of material things.  On the surface, one might thing, “Ah…four against one?  It’s easy to see who’s in the wrong.”  But that’s not true at all.  The fact is, she has made it clear - both in and out of court- the material things mean nothing and has even tried to walk away from everything in her attempts to reconcile with her brothers. 

This is one of the most caring and giving women I’ve known.  It’s a shame that pride has kept her siblings from her life.  It’s my guess that with things as bad as they are and with all of the things that were said the past couple of years, they are embarrassed and this embarrassment keeps them from her.  This is further cemented in the fact that during a recent health scare with one of her brothers, he promised her things would be different and that it was unfortunate it took something like this for them to pause long enough to rethink what’s truly important.  Sadly, once the health scare was a vague piece of the past, so was the declaration of mending this family. 

It’s easy enough to say that I would never allow anything to come between my sister and me, and that’s true.  However, that suggests that my friend did allow something to come between her and her brothers, which is not true.  I have seen her devastated and at times, have almost heard her heart break.  The only logic I can pull in my efforts to understand their collective resistance is pride.  I have never known people who were willing to sacrifice what another human can bring to one’s life - especially a life that is so upbeat and caring and so eager to contribute to another’s life.

 She’s been on my mind the past few days even more than usual.  I know that she’s anticipating and quite nervous because yet another court date looms and understandably, she is hesitant and nervous.  Frankly, at this point, there’s really nothing else for the courts to decide.  This is part of her wariness.  She knows that after all these years, there’s just nothing left.  What these brothers may not know, however, is the breaking point she’s nearing.  After so many attempts at reconciliation and so many opportunities to heal these wounds she’s proffered, there’s just not much left in her that justifies a continued effort.  Knowing her the way I do, she’ll never give up that hope, and as much as she wishes to be a sister and a part of their families, she’s also human.  And, too, I know that no matter how many times her friends remind her that each of us is always there for her, nothing can ever take the place of those lives who share the memories of parents and childhoods the way siblings do.  And maybe that’s the saddest part - the reminiscing and laughing.  The memories of childhood pets and those family stories that are universal and make us laugh now, even though they weren’t so funny when they happened. 

The four men in this story are the only losers - losers in the sense that their lives aren’t enriched by this woman’s contributions - as a wife, mother, sister and friend.

Why is it, no matter how old we are, always want our moms when we’re under the weather?  We all know the phenomenon of how the same recipe tastes better when Mom makes it, but how is it something like a cold wash cloth has curative properties when it’s our mom delivering it to our sickbed?  I’ll never understand it and that’s OK - I’ll take it. 

My mom has always had a way of fixing whatever was wrong in our world.  Whether it was a guy breaking our hearts in high school or knocking us out of our own pity parties, Mom just fixes it.  With it being the time of year where numerous “bugs” are making the rounds, she’s in pretty high demand between my sister and me.  Luckily, I didn’t have to share her the past few days.  As sick as I felt, knowing she was on her way with popsickles or 7-Up had its own healing powers.  I become a big cry baby anyway and hearing her come through my front door was enough to bring me to tears.  I can’t explain it and lucky girl that I am, I never have to with Mom.  She’s just the cure-all. 

I can remember her coming to the school, unannounced, and checking my sister and me out from time to time.  “Just to spend the afternoon with my girls” is what she always told us and it wasn’t until we were adults she revealed the real reason.  She would hear a story on the news about a missing child or an accident on the highway and she said it was the only way she could know we were OK.  We loved those days of being checked out early.  It never amounted to much more than hanging out at home and listening to that 8 track tape that had the pink label and the song “My Boyfriend’s Back” - the point is, she didn’t forget us when we weren’t around and actually looked forward to us being back home after school.  I’m sure we drove her crazy pretty much on a daily basis, but we never felt like a burden.  There was never a time we didn’t know where we belonged.  And even now, as we’re both staring 40 in the face (OK…that’s an age I’ve already met), we still know we’re our mother’s girls. And the crazy thing?  We don’t call her when we’re sick - that maternal instinct tells her all she needs to know and usually, she knows before the first sniffle ever even hits us.  If you’re ever under the weather, call my mom.  She sings the chicken soup song like nobody’s business and trust me - it’s the only tried and true cure for all that ails you.