Blue Butter

Do you know the hardest part of a first post on a new blog?  The first sentence.  And now I have it behind me, maybe I can say a thing or two that will keep you reading. Shall we start coloring outside the lines?

It seems as though we set our parameters early in our lives with the intent of allowing access only to those who fit perfectly.  But how many of us have started with this solid game plan, only to find ourselves questioning if our parameters are reasonable?  It’s then we’re at a crossroads, the only problem being we don’t realize it until hindsight provides that overdue perspective.  At that point, one of two things happens, the first being we’ve asserted ourselves right out of any opportunity to expand our parameters (versus redefining the parameters) and realize we’ve missed out on a lot of good living because of our hell-bent insistence that we’ve done all the rethinking we’re going to and if someone can’t adapt, we’re better off.  It’s just so exhausting to watch folks in and out of our lives doing their level best to find that entrance.  The other alternative is to wake up one day and realize we no longer have parameters that are resilient, but have been stretched to and fro so many times that all elasticity is lost.  And, of course, those are the dynamics that lend to the doormat mentality.

And here is where the crossroads merge again: the traumatized and victimized life.  Well, only if we decide to hit that merge instead of taking a sharp left and blaze our own trails through those thick woods.  I think we get so caught up in our familiar evils and tend to find safety in that.  The fear of the unknown still reins supreme in the human life. 

They say faith is looking up the staircase and not being able to see the top, but taking the first step anyway.  Finding that faith to move forward, to turn that corner, is overwhelming and enough to keep us cemented in place.  But once we do, possibilities begin presenting themselves far beyond what we could have ever hoped for. 

Sometimes, it’s as simple as all of the wrong options falling out of place, disappearing somehow, so there there’s room made for all that’s good that we were meant for.  If you’ve yet to experience that brilliant epiphany, you owe it to yourself to line the pieces up because it’s an incredible ride.

Four months ago, after having experienced a devastating loss in our family, I found myself jobless.  Because I was in the mortgage industry and was one of the rare ones in this field who earned a salary, versus commissions, I was the first to feel the pain.  The truth is, I’d have stayed had the company I was working for wasn’t sinking faster than a floating cork after having hooked a ten pound catfish.  Because it was a small company and since I maintained all of the office responsibilities, including payables and receivables, I was aware of exactly how bad things were.  Since my own bills couldn’t get paid on faith I had in the company, I chose to resign.  I remember coming home and thinking, “What now?”  Because I’d not received a full salary in months, to say the bills were barely being paid is an untruth.  The bills were not only due, but most were overdue.  Still, I had faith in being able to find another job I would come to love as this one - and would actually provide a paycheck with no doubts or questions whether there was money to cover payroll.  I’d never had a problem landing really great positions.  I had excellent work ethics and there are only three jobs on my resume, which, for a 40 year old, can be unusual.  I dreaded having to take a job in one of the bigger cities, only because of the drive I’d have to make each day.  I sent out 51 resumes - none of which panned out.  In fact, I had not even been offered one position.  Things were becoming desperate, to say the least.

Finally, one morning around 3 a.m., after having completed what had become a daily chore of searching all of the employment boards for new openings, I finally thought to myself, “I’ve always wanted to work from home.”  I knew there are as many “work from home” scams on the internet as there are Nigerian “get rich quick” schemes.  I signed on with one of the freelancing sites, uploaded some samples, got certified….and got my first job twelve hours later.  It was a small job, but after having read up on having to maybe start small until I could get established and how difficult it might be to get that first job, I was very excited.  Another twelve hours later brought an email declaring I’d just been paid.  And I haven’t slowed down since.  And I’ve never been happier.  And I’ve never been more grateful.  And here I am.  I’m doing the one thing I love: writing.  I answer to no one - seriously - no one.  I’m divorced and my son is 18 and chasing his dreams and pursuing his education.  My family all live within a ten mile radius from me and for the first time, it’s all come full circle. 

My point is this: six months ago, if someone had told me I’d be watching Law & Order at three a.m., on an entirely different career plane, and wouldn’t have to set another alarm clock for 5:30 a.m., I’d have rolled my eyes and told them to go away because I was busy trying to get these mortgages approved.   Turning that corner, taking that huge leap of faith, has finally paid off.  Hopefully, if you’re reading this, you might just see something you can relate to - if so, come along for the ride.  It’s just getting started and my gut feeling says it’s a ride of a lifetime!

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