Blue Butter

 With so much reality on TV these days, it’s hard to not be left speechless by the time the closing credits roll through on some of these shows.We all have our favorites and we all have those that make us cringe.  The most distasteful of the bunch are the soon-to-be brides who allow cameras to film the final days before the vows are said.  These women are on a mission to be part of the season that goes down with more distaste than the season before.  I’m always shocked that these bullies have so many family members and friends who are willing to be ridiculed, disrespected and forced into doing things they don’t want to.  Those who have the misfortune of being a part of these train wrecks endure behavior that borders on abuse.  And, as what seems to be the case in so much of our society, these miserable women are rewarded for their bad behaviors.  I say “miserable” because to me, it seems as though their self-esteems are low enough to feel as though they have to dictate every detail - regardless of how irrelevant it is - so that everyone else around them can’t possibly enjoy it because it’s so much more fun to play the pitiful, overwhelmed and victimized bride.  It’s the old case of allowing a miserable person near you to ensure your own misery surfaces.  It must be excrutiating to be a part of a wedding that should be a loving, sacred and sentimental ceremony but amounts to nothing more than one entitled person doling out every anti-marital emotion at every stage. 

I have to tell you, it would take about two seconds for my best friend to belittle or humiliate me before I stood up and said, “Hold it, Sunshine…that dog don’t hunt.  I can go home and not look back.  We’re best friends and if you can’t remember that, then you need to replace me…right now.”  Then again, I don’t have friends who would ever behave in such a way.  Further, my mom would take me by the ear and drag me to the side, just like when I was a kid, and say something along the lines of, “Young lady…this will be your own warning.  Don’t make me cause a scene in front of your friends.”  Again, just like when I was a kid. 

On what level did this become acceptable behavior to the point of it being marketed and shown on TV as “entertainment”?  Most of these brides are in their early twenties and have found themselves with their ten minutes of fame, only to end up making total asses of themselves.  And the grooms?  Why aren’t they having a say in the way their future wives speak to their mothers and sisters or any of his friends?  I don’t understand that either.  Frankly, I am more than a little frustrated with their passive natures.  If these days before their weddings are indicative of the lives they’re about to attempt to build, these guys are in for one rude awakening after another.

I also wonder about the reactions post-wedding, when the couple is back at home, setting up house and view the episode for the first time.  Are they as horrified as everyone else at their behavior, or are they disappointed they weren’t more adamant in their demands of four tapered candles measuring exactly 1.555 inches?   Are they embarrassed by their behavior?  Do these reviews show these spoiled little girls of just how unreasonable they behaved and how foolish they looked?  Do they make up their minds right then to never treat the ones they love in such mean and selfish ways?  Are the newly-martyred hubbies sitting back thinking, “Uh huh she won’t do that anymore.  Maybe she sees how mean she was.”  Again, that’s a huge problem for such passiveness on the part of the other halves. 

For the vast majority who agree to allow cameras in to film everything from weight gain to the need for security guards over some imagined threat from the in-laws, you would think this would halt some of the “spoiled little girl” mentalities they have going into it and for those who are beginning to plan their own weddings and choose to send in videos of why they should be included in the next seasons shows.

In the meantime, the remote control’s trained to keep on scanning right on past any show with any combinations of - brides, nightmare, horrifying, marriage, wedding, disaster.

Have you ever met someone and instantly liked them, but you knew it was because they reminded you of someone else?   

I kept thinking to myself, after John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate, that she reminded me of someone.  Then it hit me - she reminds me of Mariska Hargitay.  I totally dig Law & Order - all of them - and would watch it 24/7 if that pesky inconvenience known as “life” wouldn’t get in the way.    

As much as the character she plays is tough as nails, her efforts in everyday life are what’s truly impressive and inspiring.  Because of the role she’s played on SVU all these years, it was just a matter of time before the lines would blur between art and life.  She founded Joyful Heart Foundation when she realized victims of rape were often left to pick up the pieces with very few tools that would aid in the healing process.  By incorporating radical processes, such as swimming with dolphins, she’s been able to incorporate mind and spiritual elements that can offset some of the emotionless routines that accompany traditional legal and medical practices when dealing with such violent acts.  She doesn’t take this opportunity and commitment lightly.  She’s as dedicated off-screen as Mariska Hargitay as Olivia Benson is on SVU.

Sarah Palin, who I’m still very impressed with, is a trailblazer in her own right.  Again, she’s another one who’s tough as nails.  What’s most impressive to me is her refusal to apologize for, well…being human.  I’ve yet to see her attempt to sugarcoat any of her stands, nor justify her reasoning behind any stand she’s taken - whether in her political or personal life.  Honestly, whether we agree or disagree on any public figure’s statements or platforms, you have to admit an assertive and assured voice answering tough media questions is an unfamiliar concept for most of us. 

So, I’ve been thinking - it wouldn’t be so bad if we had Olivia Benson on TV and Sarah Palin in the White House.  Sounds like a win-win to me.

  When you see a person seeking happiness outside himself, you can be sure he has never found it.

I can remember reading this when I was a teenager.  I’ve no idea where I found it, but it’s just one of those things that stuck with me all these years.  Of course, depending on the current events in my life, I’ve managed to redefine it in my mind to fit whatever justifications I was trying to convince myself of.  Bottom line, though, it is what it is. 

I think we spend way too much time looking for outside factors to bring us happiness.   Even hokier is the fact we find comfort in denial and then paint it a lovely shade of purple and rename it as happiness or maybe even love. 

When did it become OK to make the sacrifices I see women make for the sake of the loves of their lives?  And why is it no one seems to know the difference in alone and lonely?  You know, a little soul searching is always a good thing.  If we spend so much time on all of the outside factors, important as they are, how are we supposed build a foundation from the inside out? 

After a very long talk with one of my dearest friends, here are the conclusions we arrived at:

• If you have time on your hands that can be considered as wasted time, only because Mr. Wonderful left for work, a night out with the guys, some silly ball game or even a trip to the bathroom, that’s not so good. In fact, that’s not good at all. Take advantage of time alone.
• If he rolls his eyes at you when he thinks you didn’t see him and then covers it up with, “Oh, baby, I was just kidding”, that’s no good either. And if you’re like me, it’s also not good for his health. Enough said.
• If he counts the change you bring back to him after having driven your own car into town to run an errand for him, again - not so good. In fact, he may be interested to know that a nickel actually stings a pretty good bit when it hits the side of his head.
• If, when he shows up at your house to watch a movie, carries in a bag of laundry and asks you to wash it for him, but then acts as though your request for him to change the light bulb you can’t reach is akin to asking him to let you paint his toes a lovely shade of red hot rosy, guess what? Yep - not so good.
• If you find yourself constantly making excuses for dates he’s backed out of at the last minute, but strangely only happens when you ask him to go somewhere that might require his “inside voice”, you might want to rethink the fact you get stuck at more than your share of hunting camps to help “knock the dust around before hunting season starts”. Knock the dust around? Hell, that means bring the Pine Sol, the bleach and clean sheets and towels. And if I wanted bleach hands, I’d stay home and clean my own house.

If we’re able to slant it just a bit, a different image appears.  I can’t imagine not throwing out my own declarations of, “You’re driving me crazy.  Go home.  Call me tomorrow.” from time to time.  And roll his eyes?  That’s when I would introduce Mr. Flexible Eyeballs to the evil eye.  His eye rolls have nothing on my evil eye.  That would pretty much eliminate his desire for such petty acts of passive aggressive behaviors.  And counting his change?  Yeah, right.  I’d like to think I would find an eloquent way of reminding him of a few facts: first, I’m a lot of things, but a thief is not one of them.  If I feel like I need his money, I’ll own up to it.  I certainly wouldn’t sneak a five dollar bill out of his change from buying root beers and Rolos because “it just ain’t an appropriate baseball game without Rolos”.  Further, if he’s so concerned with the money that leaves his pockets, then maybe he should take his money, his pockets and his ass out of my life and do it before the Law & Order marathon starts!

Of course, I don’t condone humming nickels upside his head, but what I am saying is I’ve yet to see a man go to Lowe’s and choose a doormat, so why would women allow themselves to be positioned as those very things?  A bellyful’s a bellyful.  Men, much as they love Lowes, have no idea welcome mats are even sold there!

Do you know the hardest part of a first post on a new blog?  The first sentence.  And now I have it behind me, maybe I can say a thing or two that will keep you reading. Shall we start coloring outside the lines?

It seems as though we set our parameters early in our lives with the intent of allowing access only to those who fit perfectly.  But how many of us have started with this solid game plan, only to find ourselves questioning if our parameters are reasonable?  It’s then we’re at a crossroads, the only problem being we don’t realize it until hindsight provides that overdue perspective.  At that point, one of two things happens, the first being we’ve asserted ourselves right out of any opportunity to expand our parameters (versus redefining the parameters) and realize we’ve missed out on a lot of good living because of our hell-bent insistence that we’ve done all the rethinking we’re going to and if someone can’t adapt, we’re better off.  It’s just so exhausting to watch folks in and out of our lives doing their level best to find that entrance.  The other alternative is to wake up one day and realize we no longer have parameters that are resilient, but have been stretched to and fro so many times that all elasticity is lost.  And, of course, those are the dynamics that lend to the doormat mentality.

And here is where the crossroads merge again: the traumatized and victimized life.  Well, only if we decide to hit that merge instead of taking a sharp left and blaze our own trails through those thick woods.  I think we get so caught up in our familiar evils and tend to find safety in that.  The fear of the unknown still reins supreme in the human life. 

They say faith is looking up the staircase and not being able to see the top, but taking the first step anyway.  Finding that faith to move forward, to turn that corner, is overwhelming and enough to keep us cemented in place.  But once we do, possibilities begin presenting themselves far beyond what we could have ever hoped for. 

Sometimes, it’s as simple as all of the wrong options falling out of place, disappearing somehow, so there there’s room made for all that’s good that we were meant for.  If you’ve yet to experience that brilliant epiphany, you owe it to yourself to line the pieces up because it’s an incredible ride.

Four months ago, after having experienced a devastating loss in our family, I found myself jobless.  Because I was in the mortgage industry and was one of the rare ones in this field who earned a salary, versus commissions, I was the first to feel the pain.  The truth is, I’d have stayed had the company I was working for wasn’t sinking faster than a floating cork after having hooked a ten pound catfish.  Because it was a small company and since I maintained all of the office responsibilities, including payables and receivables, I was aware of exactly how bad things were.  Since my own bills couldn’t get paid on faith I had in the company, I chose to resign.  I remember coming home and thinking, “What now?”  Because I’d not received a full salary in months, to say the bills were barely being paid is an untruth.  The bills were not only due, but most were overdue.  Still, I had faith in being able to find another job I would come to love as this one - and would actually provide a paycheck with no doubts or questions whether there was money to cover payroll.  I’d never had a problem landing really great positions.  I had excellent work ethics and there are only three jobs on my resume, which, for a 40 year old, can be unusual.  I dreaded having to take a job in one of the bigger cities, only because of the drive I’d have to make each day.  I sent out 51 resumes - none of which panned out.  In fact, I had not even been offered one position.  Things were becoming desperate, to say the least.

Finally, one morning around 3 a.m., after having completed what had become a daily chore of searching all of the employment boards for new openings, I finally thought to myself, “I’ve always wanted to work from home.”  I knew there are as many “work from home” scams on the internet as there are Nigerian “get rich quick” schemes.  I signed on with one of the freelancing sites, uploaded some samples, got certified….and got my first job twelve hours later.  It was a small job, but after having read up on having to maybe start small until I could get established and how difficult it might be to get that first job, I was very excited.  Another twelve hours later brought an email declaring I’d just been paid.  And I haven’t slowed down since.  And I’ve never been happier.  And I’ve never been more grateful.  And here I am.  I’m doing the one thing I love: writing.  I answer to no one - seriously - no one.  I’m divorced and my son is 18 and chasing his dreams and pursuing his education.  My family all live within a ten mile radius from me and for the first time, it’s all come full circle. 

My point is this: six months ago, if someone had told me I’d be watching Law & Order at three a.m., on an entirely different career plane, and wouldn’t have to set another alarm clock for 5:30 a.m., I’d have rolled my eyes and told them to go away because I was busy trying to get these mortgages approved.   Turning that corner, taking that huge leap of faith, has finally paid off.  Hopefully, if you’re reading this, you might just see something you can relate to - if so, come along for the ride.  It’s just getting started and my gut feeling says it’s a ride of a lifetime!